Yep, so it's been almost a year.  Right about now I'm pretty convinced that Jason is not in love with me and I'm chasing my tail.  At this point I'm just hoping to get all my money back that I stupidly lent to him so he could get out of jail for being an idiot. And I let him make me believe that he wanted this all to work...and I knew that he was just trying to get money out of me when I visited him and he told me he loved me and wanted this to work...I should've known.  I'm fucking tired of him treating me like shit and taking my money with probably no intention on giving it back, well fuck him.  He's taken my heart, my money, my dignity, and millions of other things that I probably won't get back.  I never in my wildest dreams would have thought that he would've ended up like one of those guys.

Well I'm counting down the days until I get to move out and go to college.  I've decided to stay in Georgia for college and once (or if) I graduate I can try to find a job in Maryland...hopefully Hagerstown.  Maybe I could start a little business there...nothing to do with fine art, because let's face it...it's not a big artsy type of town.  Maybe try Boston for a little while, I want to live in the city for a bit.  Just to feel a rush in my body again, I want to feel rushed and under pressure and I want that tingle to come back, the tingle you get when you don't know if a guy you have feelings for is gonna kiss you or not kiss you.  And how magnicifant it is when he does and that lightning runs up and down your spine.  I miss that metophorical electricution and I miss that spark that people can see in me.  I miss being able to walk around and if I wanted somebody I could just take them (which got me a horrible reputation to begin with).  To be care-free and not worry about fucking school or commitment or a job or someone bitching at me.  I just want that spark and chemistry for a couple of days or so and I want it to hit me so hard I can't breathe for weeks afterwards.  I want it to get the fire under my ass to get up and write and use my talent and let it get known and just stop sulking and realize that everything Jason and I had was nothing.

We were building such a monumentous love and in a few short lies and a few temptations and a few slips it shattered into a million pieces.  Probably never to be put back together.  Our love was 10 tons of passion built on top of a fragile glass ceiling.  We had so much that we wanted to share and we wanted to do so much together and have so much together, but it was never meant to happen and our situation and vices got the better of us and now reality has a death grip on me and I can't fight it off.  I want to desperately go back to the 10 tons of passion even if it does mean shattering again.  He is the kind of love no one could forget nor refuse.  I loved him so much that it brings me to tears now.  It brings a knot in my stomach.  A pressure in my chest, and a lump in my throat.  My heart aches from the thought of losing him, well heart...get ready to suffer more pain...we aren't through here.  Another boy tore a whole and just before I had time to sew it back up another one comes and promises to help fix it.  They offer love and happiness, but I was so caught up in fixing my problems, I should've noticed his, I should've noticed a lot of things I was doing to a lot of people. 

I realize it's time to apologize for past wrongs and mistakes and I need to make things right before I move on and start that new phase in my life.  I have my last year in high school to make amends and make it possible to have a clean start in college

Hey everyone....

I know it's been a while, a really long while.  But things couldn't be going any better. Jason and I are still happily together and we plan on staying like that for a really long time.  Although it breaks my heart to see my friends and people I love dearly hurt or break up, but I know it's what they wanted. 

Well, I'm a Junior now, and I really can't wait until I'm a senior then graduated.  I just can't wait for Jason and I to start our life together, outside of school. Life with him could not get any better, for I love him with everything I will probably ever have.

I Love Jason Fuckin Fountain, and it's going to stay that way forever.

Oh yeah, and we're coming up onto a year.